Ok...we looked at why intermittent responses to bad behavior actually INGRAINS the behavior into the child in our last post...but how do we expect our children to obey the first time we tell them to do something - and why is it important?
You are in your home, doing schoolwork and you tell your 8 year old son to take out the garbage after he finishes his mathwork...Later that afternoon, you remind your son that he was supposed to take out the garbage and state that he needs to go ahead and do it when he finishes the program he is watching on TV. Suffice it to say, that night about 10:00 you are taking out the garbage before you head off to bed! What goes wrong?
Of course, looking at this, we all go "Oh, well - that would never happen in our house because I would follow through after the first time he didn't do it! The TV would have been off and he would have had to do it right then!"...ok...but how often do we follow through after the first time we tell our child "no" about something and they pout? How about all the times we tell them to clean their rooms and it is not done?
Let's do a little test. Ready? See if you have ever mentioned the following phrases in your home:
"I'm not telling you again!"
"I asked you earlier..."
"One...two...three"
"Don't make me repeat myself!"
"What did I say?...You heard me..."
Oh...the list goes on! All the phrases that hold harmless threats of "I'm not going to tell you again" when our children KNOW that we ARE going to tell them again! And the old "One...two...three"...we have just told our child that they can disobey us two times - as long as they get their act together by the time I get to three! (If we ever get to three - what happens then? Does the Earth begin to crumble, does Mom's head explode?)
Why do we want our children to obey us the first time we tell them something? Yes, so we can have a more peaceful household and homeschool, so we get more done through the day, so we enjoy being around each other more with less fighting and tension...all of those reasons! But, more importantly, because our Father expects US to obey the first time He tells us to do something! God never counts to three with us when He gives us a command! He doesn't tell us to move away from sin and then start in with the "I am not telling you again!"...
He says clearly in His Word, in Deuteronomy 11:26 - 28
Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse;
A blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you this day: And a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day, to go after other gods, which ye have not known.
By all means, the Lord has incredible mercy on me for all my disobedience...I cannot tell you how many times He has given me another opportunity to obey the same commandment! But, it is clear in Scripture that as a Christian, I will answer for every act, or thought, of disobedience! How many times has He told me to lay down a sin in my life and I refused - I held it dear, until one day He takes it out of my life or makes me so miserable in it that I finally relinquish it! My disobedience has consequences, here and at judgement. Think of the Isrealites walking in the desert - they had the opportunity for the Promised Land and blew it - there was a punishment for that disobedience. Even though they came back and said, "Ok, we'll do it" - the punishment was measured out. But, it was lesson they learned!
In all, I believe we do harm to our kids when we teach them that they have three chances to obey us, or when we give warning after warning...we teach them that we do not expect obedience from them. We also teach them our "breaking points" - you know, that point at which they can no longer ignore us without consequences. Expecting first time obedience teaches our children Biblical authority AND responsibility. Not to mention, that it keeps us from blowing our testimony and acting horrible!
So...how do we do it? Keep reading tomorrow!
Michele Everson, Proud Wife of Pastor Chad Everson and
Proud Mama to two boys who obey better than Mama does sometimes!
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